FAT BABY gets to go to the doctor for his 1 year check-up. After stuffing him in a diaper and putting his husky outfit with the legs and arms rolled up since they make baby clothes so small. She rolled him to the kitchen with her feet and sat down in the floor next to FAT BOY and began feeding him three eggs, two pancakes, fourteen pieces of bacon, two sausage links, a bowl of oatmeal with butter and sugar, and finally chocolate milk to wash it all down with. Thirty minutes later FAT BABY was finished eating. He was rolled to the van and the lift took him up to his seat. FAT BABY could barely bend to sit in the seat.
Since FAT BABY did not meet the weight recomendation for child seats he was put in the regular seatbelt that was stretched out as far as it could go to fasten. After thirty minutes that it took to get FAT BABY settled into the van, they took off to the doctors. She could hear FAT BABY breathing hard in the back seat. Why is he always out of breath? She would ask the doctor why her baby breathes hard.
Once at the doctors office she unbuckled FAT BABY and put him in his stroller, which was actually a wheelchair because they make the weight limits on strollers so light that she hasn't found one to accomodate him. She pushes FAT BABY into the waiting room and begins to fill out the necessary paperwork. All the kids stop playing and stare. The older lady that was sitting next to them looked at the mother and shook her head. The woman didn't understand why she was getting such weird looks. This was her first doctor visit so she was excited to meet the pediatrician. The nurse came out of the office and told the mother her baby was the fattest baby she had ever seen. The mother looked at her like she was crazy.
The nurse immediately pushed FAT BABY back to behind the desk. She took out a tape measure to see how he has grown and it didn't fit around FAT BABY. Why was nothing made in America made to fit? The nurse added another tape measure to the existing one and kept shaking her head. FAT BABY was excited when he was stripped down to get checked. The nurse kept poking and proding the mass of fat while FAT BABY laughed. The nurse asked where she found diapers big enough to fit him. She told her that she had to find diapers in the grown up section because the regular diapers are so tiny they can't fit. Why do all of these people think her baby is so big?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
THE SERIAL FARTIST
What to eat, what to eat, the man asked himself before he headed to a job he held for the past fifteen years. Looking in the refrigerator for just the right combination to share with his fellow co-workers. He loved mixing foods to see what aroma would eventually break through, and over the years he has his favorites. A cauliflower and processes meat from a can really delighted him and gave the aroma of death, to which, he loved to share with anyone within a 1 mile distance. His love of flatulence wraps around him daily and some days seeps out of his pores.
The refrigerator was getting low of certain vegetables and meat combinations that he always consumes. He refuses to purchase grains for his diet because in his opinion, his flatulence is weakened. He reaches in and takes out a dish filled with sour kraut and hotdog chunks cooked in from the day before. He grabbed a spoon and began eating the concoction from the container it was stored in. He found the broccoli that accompanied the earlier meal. He immediately knew that his co-workers would be talking about him today. His flatulence is the only way he can get his collegues to notice him. Why did he have to be so boring?
After his breakfast he rushed to ready himself so he could give them the first of many aromas he knew would be his pride and joy. Racing through traffic the four miles to get to the office building that he hoped would permiate his smell his heart was racing. After parking in the back lot so he could work up the best of the meal he had just eaten he opened the door and looked around. Everyone was in their little cliques, talking about what, he did not know. He went straight to the coffee pot, knowing it was about to happen. He could feel his bowels rumble. His heart quickened and he slowly and softly allowed the first of many farts loose. Almost immediately he heard his name called. They notice me now. He stirred the creamer slowly as he allowed another silent fart to escape. Everyone was frantic now, wishing death upon him and praying to God to take them right now. He smiled with his back turned to them, breathing deeply the aroma that everyone didn't seem to appreciate.
He sipped the first taste of coffee and allowed one more fart out. This one though he had worked up so he knew it would be a record breaker. He slowly began to walk to his cubby hole while gassing the entire way. It was less than a few seconds when he heard his name cried out again. Sprays were used to try to mask his aroma, but he knew that no amount of spray would cover the last one. The man to his right cubicle jumped up and ran out of the door to the bathroom. He secretly prayed that the guy was throwing up in the stall. He always kept a smie on his face. He loved to smell his farts and share the only thing he had to share with the world.
The refrigerator was getting low of certain vegetables and meat combinations that he always consumes. He refuses to purchase grains for his diet because in his opinion, his flatulence is weakened. He reaches in and takes out a dish filled with sour kraut and hotdog chunks cooked in from the day before. He grabbed a spoon and began eating the concoction from the container it was stored in. He found the broccoli that accompanied the earlier meal. He immediately knew that his co-workers would be talking about him today. His flatulence is the only way he can get his collegues to notice him. Why did he have to be so boring?
After his breakfast he rushed to ready himself so he could give them the first of many aromas he knew would be his pride and joy. Racing through traffic the four miles to get to the office building that he hoped would permiate his smell his heart was racing. After parking in the back lot so he could work up the best of the meal he had just eaten he opened the door and looked around. Everyone was in their little cliques, talking about what, he did not know. He went straight to the coffee pot, knowing it was about to happen. He could feel his bowels rumble. His heart quickened and he slowly and softly allowed the first of many farts loose. Almost immediately he heard his name called. They notice me now. He stirred the creamer slowly as he allowed another silent fart to escape. Everyone was frantic now, wishing death upon him and praying to God to take them right now. He smiled with his back turned to them, breathing deeply the aroma that everyone didn't seem to appreciate.
He sipped the first taste of coffee and allowed one more fart out. This one though he had worked up so he knew it would be a record breaker. He slowly began to walk to his cubby hole while gassing the entire way. It was less than a few seconds when he heard his name cried out again. Sprays were used to try to mask his aroma, but he knew that no amount of spray would cover the last one. The man to his right cubicle jumped up and ran out of the door to the bathroom. He secretly prayed that the guy was throwing up in the stall. He always kept a smie on his face. He loved to smell his farts and share the only thing he had to share with the world.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
FAT BABY'S party
Mom is trying to get Fat Baby ready for his first birthday. She looks through the closet for his huskies clothes and rolls him in his outfit. The doorbell rings and she knows the family is starting to arrive. Looking at Fat Baby she knows she will have to get him to the other room to answer the door but knows her back is not going to be able to handle all that weight. Mom starts to roll Fat Baby with her feet and he is laughing because it seems like a new game. Finally at the door, she opens to find her great aunt standing there with a beautiful wrapped gift and a big smile. She begins to walk into the house and trips over the Fat Baby. Momma apologises for having the kid in the walkway while the Fat Baby starts to cry; waving his fat arms in the air to be picked up.
Great aunt looks down at the fat blob on the ground that she had just tripped over and nearly broke her neck from. The first time she had seen him and is amazed at how fat this child is. She looks at the momma, "Oh that baby is too fat. He is so fat he can't bend to sit down. How fat are you going to let him get? Oh that fat fat baby. Look at your little fat arms. I'm trying to feel a bone in there and you're too fat to feel the bones. Who can hold you, you fat baby? Did you already eat all the cake? Where are your eyes? Oh gawd, the fat has ate your eyes. How many fingers am I holding up? Oh gawd, your mouth is too fat to talk. You are a roller. How much more fat can you add to your fat baby body? When I push in on your fat legs my fingers get lost. How have they found a diaper to fit all this baby? Oh gawd, I can't imagine the poop this fat baby makes. I've never been sick from looking at a baby, but this one is doing it. OH and you stink Fat Baby. You stink of fat and milk. You need a water diet and laxitives. No food Fat Baby, please no more food for you."
Mom stares at her aunt in disbelief, wondering why the lady keeps calling her baby fat. He's just the right size for a 1 year old. Is she kidding?
Great aunt looks down at the fat blob on the ground that she had just tripped over and nearly broke her neck from. The first time she had seen him and is amazed at how fat this child is. She looks at the momma, "Oh that baby is too fat. He is so fat he can't bend to sit down. How fat are you going to let him get? Oh that fat fat baby. Look at your little fat arms. I'm trying to feel a bone in there and you're too fat to feel the bones. Who can hold you, you fat baby? Did you already eat all the cake? Where are your eyes? Oh gawd, the fat has ate your eyes. How many fingers am I holding up? Oh gawd, your mouth is too fat to talk. You are a roller. How much more fat can you add to your fat baby body? When I push in on your fat legs my fingers get lost. How have they found a diaper to fit all this baby? Oh gawd, I can't imagine the poop this fat baby makes. I've never been sick from looking at a baby, but this one is doing it. OH and you stink Fat Baby. You stink of fat and milk. You need a water diet and laxitives. No food Fat Baby, please no more food for you."
Mom stares at her aunt in disbelief, wondering why the lady keeps calling her baby fat. He's just the right size for a 1 year old. Is she kidding?
How fat are you going to let that kid get?
So, I was staring at possibly the fattest kid in the world. Don't worry, he was staring back at me. He raises one eyebrow and I wonder what's going on in his 2 year old fat brain. I refuse to look away because I can't let this kid win. I am the grown-up, it only makes sense that I should win. So the game is on. The mother of this child is not paying a bit of attention to what her fat son is doing;opting to read a magazine full of celebrity lives. So I remember what used to scare the crap out of me as a child and I have that as arsenal and know I will win this ridiculous game going on with this fat baby. It is then, at the exact moment I am going to use the magic the fat baby sticks out his tongue. What? How did he know the secret? That's okay, I am sure I can win this. No smiling to let this obese kid know I am not playing. He is not smiling because he already hates me. I realize at that moment I have the squint to trump the tongue. I use it, oh yeah, and the rewards of that one move is amazing. Not only does fat baby tear up, he grabs his mother with his fat little sausage hand fingers and starts crying. I do not give in to this kid and keep the look going until I can see the mother is about to turn around to see what is making her fat baby cry. I look at the "As Seen On Tv" shelf that adorn every shelf of any store across the nation. She looks back to see what has made her fat baby cry and I slowly look right at her. She smiles at me and I still keep my stoic look. She turns around because she know's it is me that has made her fat baby cry and that was like a double win. Oh yes, I am the winner. I wonder how she stuffed his little fat legs in the baby seat built in the basket. I know that it is going to be hard to get him out of that and I start to giggle. I hope that I am lucky enough to be there to watch this. I look and see that everything in her basket is a fat kids paradise and realize this kid is only going to get bigger. I wonder if he can walk or crawl yet.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
ME & OCD
OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD
So, today I can't get a rhythm out of my head. There is a song to it as well, and I don't know why I have to step to this annoying and repetitious song. *allow 14 seconds while I germ gell, please* Okay, so here goes; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 more. That's it. That's the song. I've got the rythm of the day.
I was thinking yesterday how fun it would be to perform stand-up at a nursing home. I mean, I'm not sure just how much you could get by with but it would be fun to find out. I know they could appreciate pee jokes, and maybe some geriatric humping jokes would go over pretty well. I've quite a lot of comedy collected in journals so I may just see what I can do about it. Hopefully I won't shock them to death, but one laugh is better than none, right?
I like to pretend that I'm whatever race is being talked about in a group of people. Especially if it is starting to go in a racist conversation. I've told people once that my dad came out of his bedroom drunk and asked, "What the hell are all these mexicans doing walking around my house?" to which I answered " um, we're your ofspring".....usually those about to talk crap about latino/a's change their direction. *i'm not latina, but it's still fun to freak people out*
I have been scared of my saliva this week. I've been spitting it out in a white cup with paper towel wadded up and shoved in there. I'm not sure exactly how long this fear will stay with me but I'm sure it started over wanting to loose weight. I don't know how much spit I was swallowing a day and how much it was contributing to my weight, but I figured if I cut that out I should see some result.
My doctor has upped all of my meds and I am numb from the waist down. I'm not on any pain medication, just psych med cocktail. It's so bad I would actually watch a porno for the story line. I am so numb I can't feel myself wipe. This is sad because I am only 38 and I should be getting some ass quite often. I feel sorry for anyone who wants to sleep with me now. I believe I am the worst lay of all times now.
I'm letting my forearm hair grow. I have shaved it since I was a teen but my mother talked me into letting it grow back in and stop shaving. I am on day 11 and I have to say, it's not too bad yet. They don't know it, but i'm also letting my leg hairs grow *hehe*. I shave everything else though. I wish I would have started taking pictures of the daily transformation but I didn't think about it until it was too late.
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