Learning the tongue is a powerful instrument

For years I have lived without the fear of what others thought of me or my actions. It wasn't until recently, within the past year, that I realized how dangerous our tongue is. I look in the mirror and see this small instrument, needed for daily living, and I can't believe that I have used it to kill someones spirit, damaged someones qualities, and abused my body with a simple tongue that resides in my own mouth. How does someone get to this point in life? We are not born with such thoughts to harm others. A tongue is quick to strike too. I have a hard time just stopping and thinking about what I am going to say before it is already out of my mouth. It is a habit that is hard to break. How did speaking kindness become obsolete when there is always a smile on my face? I realize that it has taken medication to even out my thoughts and realize I am not the person I was riding on the rollercoaster called Bipolar. Now is when I realize how I affected those around me. I hate when you tell those you hurt that you are truly sorry and they tell me it is ok. How does that make sense? The instrument that should have been used to pass on blessings and praises has demolished, killed, abused, hurt, destroyed, and even spewed hate and people just forget? I have a long journey to try and figure out this life I am trying to live. I look back to where I was at a year ago and the shame I feel is so overpowering that if I am not careful it will consume my every thought. I've heard, so many times since therapy and psych medicine maintenance, that I didn't know what I was doing. Does that still mean it is okay? I look back and realize I never learned to truly love myself so it is no wonder that I took others for granted. Is this fixable? I believe some to be salvageable, but there are some that have been cut too deep to heal. I never started out wanting to be a hurtful person, I became one though and now, I am trying to live without chaos, drama, and the guilt of my past. It is a struggle, but I find that the more possitive things I tell myself, the more blessed I feel daily. Mental Illness is such a serious issue in the United States, and by choice alone I keep my mental health maintained. If people only knew how my mind controled me from a very early age, they would be amazed that I am still alive . LESSON: only allow positive things to cross your tongue, speak words of incouragement, and embrace the power that you have control over so that you are not sending out negativity in a way to hurt another.

A little thing I'm diagnosed with:OCD

I have been taking medication for this ridiculous and annoying thing that goes on in my brain called OCD. Now, when I first started taking the medication I imagined it would take care of them and I wouldn't have to worry about counting the squares of toilet paper or timing my hand washing. *those are the mild ones* It has been a struggle for me, and although the medication I do take helps with my anxieties that cause some of my OCD's, it's the ones that make no sense that are still holding on.

I'm not ashamed about this now and actually I advocate for mental health through emailing senators and anyone that is involved in keeping mental health facilities and workers taken care of. I am just one voice, one email, one person. Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey that is so important to me that I could scream.

I am known to write comedy, and for as long as I can remember I have been great at it. The past month, though, has been so hard to focus that I have given up. I will go back to it, I'm sure, but right now it is not in me to produce anything funny. I have a fan base on facebook that expect post updates that are either shocking, humiliating, obnoxious, crude, and downright offensive. I have not been able to do those things and now my email inbox is so full of people asking me to please get back on.

Today is Therapy Thursday, so I am hoping things will get better.